Do you have a friendship that has died, leaving you sad and questioning what happened?
Do you have a friendship that has died, leaving you sad and questioning what happened? You haven’t grown apart in the traditional sense. You haven’t had a fight with your friend or shared a cross word with them, but you call, text, and email, only to have your voicemail and written messages go unanswered. No closure, just silence. I do not mean a friendship that has shifted its focus due to change of life circumstances such as marriage or kids, but a one-sided friendship that goes unfulfilled, as if your friend has passed away and you are left to mourn his or her death.
The colloquial term used to describe the practice of ceasing all communication and contact with a friend, without apparent warning or justification is ghosting. I have a friendship I have not wanted to let die, but after years of unanswered emails, phone calls and texts, I am left empty and facing the realization that I need to put my Ghost Friend to rest, for no other reason than for my sanity and well-being.
In 2021, I want to shed the unwanted layers I have carried with me, like the skin of a snake – an indelible part of me and yet ready to be discarded. One such tether is holding onto relationships that don’t want to be held on to. Having true friendships in my life is a blessing, and being a good friend is something I value highly. The older I get, the more I realize that friendships change, and some grow together while others grow apart. This is normal and natural- we enter into different phases in our lives, develop different priorities, reach different milestones at different times.
I have had many relationships and friendships over the years. Some friends have moved away, and we lost contact; some friends took a different life path- were more career driven or family-oriented at a different time than me and went off on their own, down a path that would never cross mine again; and other friends had a life path that fell out of step with mine, but we later reconnected and found our rhythm, rekindling our friendship and redefining it.
I have always prided myself on being a reliable friend. I can’t be everywhere all of the time, but I would like to think that when I was needed, I was there to hold my friend up and keep his or her head above water. I would like to think that I am there for my friends to laugh with, to cry on, and to hold them up when their legs fail. By the same token, I have also found that I cannot be a good friend to someone who is needy all of the time. I used to be able to be that friend who would always be there, but as I have gotten older, gotten married and had children, I only have so much time and energy. I do not get to see a lot of my friends as often as I would like, but just because they are out of sight does not mean they are out of mind. I carry my friends and their friendship around with me as I live my daily adventure. I keep them with me. I keep them close. So, when I do see them, talk to them, text them, it is like no time has passed since we last connected. For me, a friendship that can pick up where it left off works best. I can offer my best self and be a great friend.
For the most part, I have succeeded in having healthy friendships; for cultivating relationships with people who hold friendship in the same esteem as I do, who give of themselves, as I do, and do not take, take, take.
Nevertheless, in 2021, I decided to look back on my life and on my friendships. I have given a lot of my time and energy to try and sustain a friendship with a friend who seems to have no interest in maintaining a friendship with me. It has haunted me for the last decade. I did not see the death of the friendship coming, and I have tried, multiple times a year to rekindle communication to no avail. In February of last year, a song came on the radio and it reminded me of time spent with this friend. I sent an email to let her know I was thinking about her. She responded. In ten years, she has responded to two or three out of dozens of texts, calls, or emails sent. I was elated. Overjoyed! When I followed up… silence. I felt the death of the friendship all over again, like a fresh wound. Then Covid descended upon the world and my friends, my true friends, rose to the top, and I started questioning why I was holding on to my Ghost Friend. Why couldn’t I let her go? Why was I so hurt and upset with the death of our friendship?
My friend, who I will call, Misty, was someone I met in the second stage of my life. Out of school and working in the real world, Misty was someone with whom I spent a lot of my free time. In my former life, I spent most of my time at the office. Misty and I worked long hours and had long commutes, so we did not meet up after work a lot. But we shared hundreds of lunches together. If we did go out after work, it was usually with each other. She was there to share in the milestones I passed in the second phase of my life: my engagement, my marriage, and eventually my first pregnancy. I was there for her too. When she had a very deep relationship end in betrayal, she took it hard and we spent hours upon hours for weeks on end lamenting its demise. I felt her pain and tried to comfort her. We went out a bit more: for drinks, to concerts. She moved abroad for work and I was tasked with checking her mail, sending her packages, and keeping her in the loop as to life back home.
After I gave birth to my first child, I entered into the next phase of my life. Suffice it to say, that the first two years of motherhood was exhausting and not at all what I expected, and then I was pregnant with my second child. I reached out to Misty to see how she was; to say hi, for happy birthday wishes, to congratulate her on a promotion. All this was met with silence. I found out that Misty’s dad passed away and I reached out. Again silence. I thought that maybe Misty changed her address, her personal email address and her cell number, so I emailed her at her work email. I didn’t want to call her at work because I knew she was busy, and I did not want to interrupt her. On one of the two occasions she did respond to my email, she told me she moved from her condo. I was so excited to get a response that I followed up and asked for her new address. Again, silence. So that year, I sent a Christmas card addressed to her at her work address. I continued to do so for the last two or three years. Her personal information began to be out of date and any attempt on my part to get her new contact information was met with silence. But I wasn’t ready to say goodbye. To let her go. I valued her and our friendship. I kept on making excuses: she’s busy, she forgot to respond to my email…
Right before Covid hit, my kids were playing a Shakira song on our Alexa. It brought me back to a Shakira concert Misty and I went to at MSG. My husband, then fiancé, got us backstage tickets. I decided to email Misty to let her know I was thinking about her. She responded. She didn’t recall the concert. I wrote back with some details and follow-up questions. Again, silence. But this time the silence was deafening.
Shortly thereafter, I got a ping on Facebook. Misty had an account but hadn’t posted in years. A friend of Misty’s posted a photo of the both of them with Misty cradling her very large baby bump. I was so excited for her. I immediately reached out to say I saw the photo and to relay my heartfelt well wishes. I shouldn’t have been surprised to have my email go unanswered. Maybe I should have called. I thought that if she wasn’t returning my emails or texts, a phone call would surely not be returned, so I didn’t bother. She simply couldn’t be bothered to acknowledge me.
Then Covid hit, and I felt myself falling. All around us was chaos and fear. I felt like I was playing a game of “Do you trust me?”. Remember that game? It is when a friend would close their eyes and fall waiting for you to catch them, and then you would do the same to the next friend and so on and so forth, creating a circle of trust. It was during this time that I realized I needed to say goodbye to my Ghost Friend. If I were to close my eyes and let myself fall, Misty wouldn’t be there to catch me. I do not know why. I do not understand what happened. I do not know why someone would knowingly meet my attempts at communication with silence without a fight, or explanation of the cold shoulder. I don’t know if I did anything wrong. Without any communication from Misty, all I was left with were questions, and anger, and sadness, and happy memories, and dead air. It was then that I decided to finally accept the silence. I decided to stop wasting my time and energy filling a hole that can’t be filled. I was tired of making excuses. Maybe she moved. Maybe she has a new email. Maybe I did something wrong. It was time to close the coffin and throw the dirt on the friendship and walk away, grateful for the memories.
As the new year dawns, I have taken to heart my pledge of self-care. In 2020, I felt like a frayed string ready to snap. The last ten months I have come to understand the value of my collective health. The string from which I dangle is made up of many fibers, and my commitment to self-care will hopefully repair the thread, strand by strand, to re-form into a more secure rope. Feeling like a voyeur or a stalker is unhealthy. Begging for love and attention is toxic. Why invest in someone who clearly doesn’t want to invest in me?
I have realized that the problem wasn’t with Misty. This whole time I was looking to her for answers. Questioning our friendship. Instead, the problem was with me. Not that something was wrong with me or that I was a bad friend. The problem was the value I put on myself and my friendship. My self-respect. My uneasiness in letting the friendship die is not healthy.
We are given but one life to live. I am not perfect. I make many mistakes. I am not a perfect friend. But I am true. I needn’t waste my time on someone who clearly doesn’t value me. I need to value myself. Writing this and facing this head on, is hard, but it is also cathartic. I am ready to let go of Misty and fall, I am blessed with many other friends who will catch me!
Are you ready to move forward, to let go of your anger, your pain, and your questions? Are you ready to exorcise your Ghost Friend?
